They talk a little dirtier than that, but yes…
Seriously, they don’t talk to me. It’s 100% my own brain’s betrayal. That’s what it is. In that moment, when the thought occurs, everything I know to be true, everything that’s prevented me from having one up until that point, every idea for better alternative— it all just disappears. And I think, maybe I’ll have a chip. That simple. Pure deception.
Other unhelpful thoughts that occur around food:
Eff it. I don’t care. (That’s the most dangerous one)
I have done well today, so it’s okay.
I’ve already screwed up, so why not?
I’m going to have whatever I want because tomorrow I’m done.
This is sick, and I deserve to be sick.
So that one… That was hard to even write. It doesn’t have the same power it used to have, but it’s always there, just on the other side of all of the other thinking. That one has really disappeared as I’ve gotten better control because I just don’t feel sick anymore. It’s not gone though. I have a long history of depression, but as long as I’m not under its thumb, thoughts like that are more scarce.
Okay. I know how much you like a positive vibe… And this is not really cutting it. I can offer positivity or I can offer honesty, but I can’t guarantee them both at the same time.
Yes, I can hold off until morning. I’d like to just go put them in the trash, but that’s no solution either. I’d just buy them again.
Tomorrow will be harder. Way harder. It’s another example of my very flawed thinking. Okay I ran. I was good today. I was focused. Tomorrow is my rest day. By early afternoon, I’ll be looking for things to really spruce up my “vacation”. It’s my vacation thinking—even though I’m not on vacation. When I don’t exercise, I want to enjoy my day off and have it extend to everything— enjoy the day off from eating right, from diabetes… It’s why exercise is so important to me because it helps me to keep my head on right.
I have a feeling when you thought this up, you didn’t picture all of this. This is a lot of me stuff, and we can nip it whenever you want.