Running with a pump is so much better than running without. I donât understand why this isnât a first line recommended therapy.
So here comes the emo bus: my apologies in advance. I generally try to keep a bright face on things for the most part but I have had a sort of psychologically rocky couple weeks. Unfortunately my doctor continues to rip me around by trying to micro-manage my insulin and, by extension, my diet, exercise, and all aspects of my life. I called the endo where my referral was sent and got told NO: I wasnât yet approved to even schedule an appointment. I am struggling to convince anyone to give me vials of Novolog: NO, you donât need vials. I have a hand-me-down glucagon kit because my doctor (who is so scared of me being low) refused to prescribe me the anti-low oh-sh*t handle despite her lip service to concerns about hypos: NO, what would you need that for? And I am being blocked on pen refills being told NO, and that if I was âbeing responsible then I shouldnât need more than 12u a day and 15ml should last you 90 days, we wonât give you more unless you pay $$$ for an appointment and explain yourself and convince usâ.
I⌠well, this is about running, and this is also very much not about running, in the sense of progress, setbacks, belief in self, and mental fortitude. I spent yesterday morning getting told NO endlessly for literally no good reason at all. I ended up collapsed on my kitchen floor clutching my phone and sobbing. It was hours of sincere effort and just NO NO NO. I felt so low, like maybe I didnât deserve treatment after all. I just sat there and rocked and cried and freaked out my dog because she didnât know what was wrong with me. I donât know how to respond when telling the truth to doctors and doing my legit best to manage this condition earns me nothing but what amounts to punishment: restrictions on my life, criticism of my lifestyle, denial of better treatment options. Iâm not a good liar and I donât feel good about myself when Iâm even âselectiveâ about truth-telling, but it seems like lying to professionals is a requirement with diabetes. I was raised to be honest and do my best and that was the way, and now it turns out that being honest and doing my best is, if anything, literally detrimental to my health.
I find this a super stressful spot to be in, and I feel hamstrung, criticized, judged, cornered, bullied, and denied by the professionals I should be able to trust. I end up wondering if itâs my fault, I feel stupid and I feel like maybe I donât deserve the care Iâm asking for. That obviously also makes appointments something I dread, and is a horrific description of a care relationship. I am having a hard time with this, and I felt totally at a loss for what to do. So I just dropped on the kitchen floor and cried and cried and felt very sorry for myself.
âŚand then I remembered there are people in my corner and I messaged my coach, @eric. I donât have words for the difference it made that someone - not just anyone, but Gandalf himself basically - made time in his day for me, and was there to talk me through it. That conversation helped set to rest some of the feelings of shame and failure (and yes I felt like a failure) that sprang from being basically criticized and guilted by my doctors, who constantly behave as if this is something I am doing wrong and seem to hold a deluded belief that they know more about this than I do. Coach reminded me that this is a marathon not a sprint, that I do deserve treatment and that I deserve to live the life I want, that doctors donât get to dictate that to me, and that like any game there are strategies and tactics that will advance my goals. That there are indeed ways around the system. It wonât fix everything, but i think we now have a plan to get around a few of these roadblocks. Right @eric?
And after we talked I took a deep breath, had a snack, turned off my basal (which is proof Iâm making headway in the system even when it doesnât feel that way points to new Pod on belly), and then I did my run. And I rocked it.
It shouldnât be this hard to just be granted the freedom to live my life, not when all the tools are right there. I feel so bullied by the medical system, it feels like they purposely want to hem me in and prevent me from accessing things that would set me free. I literally donât know where I would be without all of you - but suffice to say it would be somewhere infinitely darker than where I am. âThank youâ is wildly insufficient, but itâs about the best the English language offers. So thank you all for being the people and community you are: I am only one person, but my experience tells me that this community changes lives. You are the lighthouses steering me through these reefs and reminding me that, even if itâs not a straight shot, there does exist a route to shore. Thank you all.
And hereâs the run deets since this is a training thread not a therapistâs office.
4/10/2024: Crazy Eights
Location: Treadmill (interval control)
Duration: 45:05
Distance: 4.0
Cadence: 161spm (min 156, max 182)
Power: 143w (min 114, max 193)
RPE: 6+/10
BG Events: None (range 93-115)
what can I say. What I lack in natural talent (so, everything), I make up for and then some in gadgets! 
You canât fill them with a pen! The trainer told you that âyou must use vials and the pod syringeâ to fill the pods! 
