The Power of FUD. It totally saved me. I love these people. And now you’re in that group, too!!!
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It might be due to a lack of patience or social skills, but I’ve never been big on support groups because my experiences have led me to believe that there is more focus on problems than solutions. Yes, t1d is a pain in the ass to deal with, but by dealing with it I’ve been much more equipped to deal with other life issues (including keeping a newborn happy). I prefer groups more aligned with non-D goals I have.
As for dwelling on BG, that has been rather constant, but over time taken less energy because routines start to develop.
(sensor’s reading a little low, I promise…)
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Thanks for your thoughtful and honest story, so much good advice here. As a D parent who’s also been with the same partner for 20+ years including 6 since our son’s diagnosis, my only addition would be reassuring you that all relationships have cracks – just places where we have a habitual way of interacting that’s probably unkind or inconsiderate or critical of the other person that neither is that aware of – but those cracks don’t really show most of the time. Then put a big stress on the relationship, and that little crack becomes a big ole crevice. (I could make a graph for this but am sadly not as cool with software as @Eric). Your stressor is unique but I think the relationship consequence is pretty common. It’s great you are comfortable putting it out there and getting some support.
I’m assuming your SO has the basic protoplasm to be half of a strong human relationship (is not hopelessly selfish, addicted to something, incapable of empathy or giving love, abusive, serious messed up mess) --it sounds like you are telling us that he is. In that case, once the dust settles and if finances permit, you could consider counseling. Not because you guys are not doing a good job hanging on or it’s dire or anything but because now that you know where your cracks are, they’ll tend to pop back up whenever the stress is high --bad period with diabetes, another illness, new baby, job loss – whatever, and now you know to fix them first!
Some people I think can grow in this way just by talking together without a referee. I admire those people. They must have lots of mouth control!! But I know for us, it was really helpful just to have some one else there listening who can make sure we don’t get sidetracked into issues of who’s at fault (“you’re obsessed and not even thinking about me”, “no you have an empathy problem” “it’s really your obsession with detail that’s driving this” “no the detail is keeping me alive, you’re being a total jerk” and round and round…). The human instinct to figure out which one of you caused the problem is so strong! But when I get through with a round of that I never feel good about our relationship, whereas when somebody helps us pivot to stating how we feel and getting a better mutual understanding and working out a solution – he seems like a much better guy after I’ve seen him really trying his best for an hour!
I resisted getting counseling for a long time after the big relationship stress of having a kid diagnosed with D, arguing about best ways to handle his alarms, adjust his settings, meals etc (NOT your situation at all, obviously, but maybe generally helpful advice anyway) because of all the usual excuses – no time, didn’t want to spend the money, not another appointment please, things weren’t “that bad” – but when I finally caved, it really helped. We already were and still are both good people I hope, but we just learned some skills and habits that helped us be better to each other. Sometimes there are churches or faith communities where they offer counseling for free to couples too.
It sounds like you are doing great working this out with him so no pressure – just something to consider in the longer term!
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Thank you thank you!! I feel like little by little these things get better and hopefully by sharing that I can help and receive help.
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Most definitely, the more you can contribute the more you can help others!! I know, because I have been helped by so many who contributed!!
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I have been dealing with elevated anxiety ever since I had to go to the ER twice back in April. Highs, lows, the cat looks at me cross-eyed…anxiety. I learned this very simple calming breath practice (from Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh) and it really helps:
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
The smile activates the parasympathetic nervous system. I bring to mind hugging my grandkids to find my smile. Sounds crazy, perhaps, but it really helps me feel calmer and I can use this practice anywhere.
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@Necroplasm I can feel for both perspectives of your relationship, particularly after my rage incident this morning over frustrations trying to analyze food data. I tend to go overboard with research on a topic that is very impactful, like my T1 diagnosis last Nov. But I’ve not dealt nearly as well with this disease as other things in my life. I’ve acted similarly to your self-description; incessant research on the disease, how to treat it, how to act; seemingly ceaseless talk on what I’ve found out; and, admittedly in my case, outrageous outbursts of self-indulgent frustration, i.e. “I’m tired of this damned disease,” “this is no way to live,” and even “why do you put up with me.” I’m also very lucky, I’ve been married to a wonderfully understanding lady for over 40 years; but if I was her, I’d be getting tired of my behavior and outbursts, the perspective I have to be better (when I feel I’ve reached my limit), that I have to be more in control (when I’m not), that I need to know more (when I don’t and there may not be more that helps). It ain’t easy…
My recommendation: Since you’re not totally committed yet (i.e. married), take a step back and look at yourself and him. You will likely eventually settle down and come to grips with what you can and can’t do and settle into more of a routine and acceptance (I’m one to talk, eh?). Only you can be the judge of when that will be, whether it’s likely to be soon enough for him, and if it will be enough for him…and you. On you’re part, will he come around at that point enough from your perspective to be the supportive and understanding husband you want, need, and will accept? The answers to these and questions will lead you to the needed action. Don’t rush it, but don’t let it sit and simmer either. And if you haven’t already, talk with him about what you and he both feel, what you both need, what you’ll both accept, and what you both won’t accept. Now I’ll get of the soap box and try to follow some of my own advice… Looking over some of the other responses, you’ve gotten some good recommendations, but it’s up to you whether to act on them.
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I have been Type 1 since 3 years old. Your spouse needs to understand a few things.
#1 hypoglycemic issues can create mental health issues, like PTSD. Diabetes can cause depression.
You need support, not just medical but emotional.
Mindfulness practice is very helpful.
Self care. Including emotional are critical in early diagnosis.
If there is any way you can learn about and get an insulin pump and CGM like Libre 2, with alarms. I have mine set to alarm at 4.7 mmol so I always have time to react.
Fitbit Sense gives amazing dietary tracking tools and exercise measuring tools. Over time you figure out which foods do what.
Bedtime, for example for me is fresh produce and chickpeas cooked with spices. Chickpeas keep my BG steady overnight. But we are all a little different.
While your spouse needs to become a part of this journey it is you working on you that will matter most, your partner just needs to be encouraging.
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I’ve been a T1D for about 10 years now - it was diagnosed when I was 50. No major issues about this in my family. My wife does not participate in my care - managing my diabetes is up to me. Thanks to Dexcom and Tandem, there are sometimes very interesting (at least to me) patterns or activities that show up as a result of diet or exercise. Sometimes I show them to her but she’s not very interested.
This works fine for me.
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