Tough year so far

Its been one of my toughest years in a long time. This is related to D, and to emotional health, and cats, but its no one thing.
I won’t bother with all the long stories about how I stopped fostering cats, tried to adopt some, and ended up fostering 2 VERY sick 11/2 yr old (ish) cats. I found out this week that they didn’t expect them to make it. We’ve had them since Dec 28.
They both had/have FCV, FHV, URI, all with complications. For those that don’t know, the Herpes and Calici viruses can be deadly and are HIGHLY contagious. Like I haven’t seen anyone who has cats or hangs out with other cat people. Wait, that’s all my friends!
Subq treatments, medications, eye drops, force feedings every few hours. They’re both getting better, slowly. But now comes the hard part of specialists, trying to figure out if I’m just keeping them alive or if they’ll ever thrive. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes its great, when I dump their toy box out and they are kittens again, or when Milo, who no one had ever seen eat (they’ve been in the system for 6 weeks) by himself, finally ate! (Not ashamed to tell you that I cried). Or when we got the cat tree/condo for them. That was pretty awesome. But there’s still the times when Milo won’t move, and just stares blankly (he’s going to ophthalmologist tomorrow, as he may be going blind), and I wrap him in his favorite towel and tell him stories about the fairy world he’s from, and that its ok if he wants to go back because there’s no pain there, just sunshine and mice and salmon to chase, but that I would miss him so much, and my heart breaks over and over.

Its been so hard to keep my ■■■■ together. I feel like I have nothing left for myself. I feel guilty that I’m taking the time to write this, as laundry needs to be done, dinner needs to be prepped, and I’m supposed to be out soliciting donations for their medical bills. I’m crying all the time. My BGs are so all over the place that there are times I shut my CGM off because I can’t handle even one more thing. I’m mad alot, mad at the careless vets, and the careless rescuers, and mad at myself for getting into this situation. And this all brings up so much ■■■■. At the base of it, I feel like if I can make a difference for these 2 poor kids, give them a better childhood than I had, it will all have been worth it somehow. But its rough, and its put such a strain on everything. I was going around to businesses and putting up flyers, and its 10 degrees out. Canes don’t do good on ice, and all I could think was, “what happens to the cats if I fall?”. My husband can’t do it alone. They’d probably go back to the rescuer’s basement to die lonely. And I know I need to put myself first, and I’m doing the least I’ve ever done D-wise, but hopefully all of it will be enough for now.
I appreciate all of you so much, because I know you won’t be judging me for dropping the ball at times, but instead help me lift it up when I ask.

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Thank you for sharing @Mariethm. :cry:

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I can only imagine how tough it must be. But you have done a wonderful thing taking care of them and giving them much more comfort than they would have had otherwise.

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@Mariethm, I have a vet tech friend (and stellar pet sitter) who pretty much fosters cats and kittens for a living. She is the first one called when rescuers are in over their heads with a sick cat or kitten and very often she brings these kittens and cats back to life and to happy adoptions. Some will have permanent disabilities—she’s adopted a few of those herself over the years—but still manage to live fairly normal feline lives. So…as discouraged as you may be feeling right now, keep giving Milo and his pal lots of love and care…and know that we FUD cat ladies and guys are sending you lots of love and care, too.

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@Eric Thank you for the kind words. They’re much needed now.

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@CatLady Thank you! I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, its just so far off. And if we get these guys (Milo, small black; Meko, grey lion, will be renamed Aslan if he keeps his left eye, Odin if not) back to health, and if they’ll accept us as their underlings, we will be adopting them. So that’s a happy thought.

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Oh @Mariethm, this sounds like emotionally and physically really tough work and you are doing so much for these beautiful little kitties. You’re right in recognizing that you need to keep yourself healthy first and foremost and you are a beautiful soul for doing all that you are doing. Keep evaluating what is best for everyone and know that there are lots of us here sending the biggest hugs to you – xoxo – Jessica

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What sweethearts! I love that photo of them snuggling, and the loving stories you tell them. :sob:

I’m so sorry it’s been such a difficult journey. The rescue we adopted our cats from is passionate about sick cats, so they’re constantly doing vet visits and donation drives too. It sounds like it uses a lot of physical energy, mental energy, and emotional energy. When we’re facing just one thing at a time, we can pour some of our energy into a different cup temporarily. But when it’s all at once… no wonder you’re running on empty. Sending you lots of love, and hoping for the very best for you, your husband, and these two cuties. :green_heart:

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Update on Milo. He went to the opthalmologist because his irises change color from golden yellow to rust to dark red. We had bloodwork done and they said everything was fine, but the eye dr cleared an appt after I told her about the color change.
As far as she could see, nothing wrong with his eyes. Yay! But she looked at their bloodwork and said he needs a full abdominal workup as she’s worried about (damn, can’t spell it, and I had it!) cholecystitis, pancreatic issues, or inflammation of the spleen and/or liver. Which is amusing to me in the trying-to-not-scream-so-I’ll-laugh-hysterically way, because I told the first vet weeks ago that I’m worried about his GI tract because a lot of times he sleeps in the same position I do when my pancreas is being a little devil.
So, anyway, we have to get the original vet to recommend xrays, ultrasounds, etc. Then KC has to authorize it. Then we’ll try to get appt. VCA in Arlington is really good and easy to Uber to (Hubby has already taken off quite a few days to go to appts). So, yeah.
No appts for anyone in the house today, and I’ve been slacking in my role as Official Lost Toy Finder for the cats, so its a much-needed deep cleaning/playing day. Meko woke me up at 4 by standing by the bed, staring at me, because he’s lost all his favorite toys and needed them NOW! I was lazy, and just opened more, but he really wants the ones he lost. Silly kid!
Thanks for listening!

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