Its been one of my toughest years in a long time. This is related to D, and to emotional health, and cats, but its no one thing.
I won’t bother with all the long stories about how I stopped fostering cats, tried to adopt some, and ended up fostering 2 VERY sick 11/2 yr old (ish) cats. I found out this week that they didn’t expect them to make it. We’ve had them since Dec 28.
They both had/have FCV, FHV, URI, all with complications. For those that don’t know, the Herpes and Calici viruses can be deadly and are HIGHLY contagious. Like I haven’t seen anyone who has cats or hangs out with other cat people. Wait, that’s all my friends!
Subq treatments, medications, eye drops, force feedings every few hours. They’re both getting better, slowly. But now comes the hard part of specialists, trying to figure out if I’m just keeping them alive or if they’ll ever thrive. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes its great, when I dump their toy box out and they are kittens again, or when Milo, who no one had ever seen eat (they’ve been in the system for 6 weeks) by himself, finally ate! (Not ashamed to tell you that I cried). Or when we got the cat tree/condo for them. That was pretty awesome. But there’s still the times when Milo won’t move, and just stares blankly (he’s going to ophthalmologist tomorrow, as he may be going blind), and I wrap him in his favorite towel and tell him stories about the fairy world he’s from, and that its ok if he wants to go back because there’s no pain there, just sunshine and mice and salmon to chase, but that I would miss him so much, and my heart breaks over and over.
Its been so hard to keep my ■■■■ together. I feel like I have nothing left for myself. I feel guilty that I’m taking the time to write this, as laundry needs to be done, dinner needs to be prepped, and I’m supposed to be out soliciting donations for their medical bills. I’m crying all the time. My BGs are so all over the place that there are times I shut my CGM off because I can’t handle even one more thing. I’m mad alot, mad at the careless vets, and the careless rescuers, and mad at myself for getting into this situation. And this all brings up so much ■■■■. At the base of it, I feel like if I can make a difference for these 2 poor kids, give them a better childhood than I had, it will all have been worth it somehow. But its rough, and its put such a strain on everything. I was going around to businesses and putting up flyers, and its 10 degrees out. Canes don’t do good on ice, and all I could think was, “what happens to the cats if I fall?”. My husband can’t do it alone. They’d probably go back to the rescuer’s basement to die lonely. And I know I need to put myself first, and I’m doing the least I’ve ever done D-wise, but hopefully all of it will be enough for now.
I appreciate all of you so much, because I know you won’t be judging me for dropping the ball at times, but instead help me lift it up when I ask.