Late last night, one of my closest friends called to let me know that her 35-year-old daughter, with whom I am also close, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend with an automatic rifle that he then used to kill himself.
When I got to work this morning, my daughter telephoned me to say that her pump suddenly and unexpectedly failed, and that she had forgotten to pack another Pod and some insulin. Her father, (my ex-, who spent her entire college fund without my knowledge before he walked out on us), refuses to keep his phone on “because he hates me.” I can’t leave work when I’m seeing patients, so she has to depend on him when something like this happens. He finally answered one of her frantic texts to say he’d pick her up from school. Then she called me after she had waited and waited for him outside her school but couldn’t find him. I tried calling and texting him repeatedly to find out where he was, but no response. Tiki just called me to say that he finally arrived, and when she got in the car she started yelling at him saying “Why won’t you answer your phone? I need my insulin!” and he replied “Because I hate your mother.” She lost it and hit him, breaking his glasses. I’m afraid he’s going to call the police. (He did this once before in the past when he pushed her to her breaking point over her Type 1 and she shoved him. He’s 6’3" and she was 13 years old at the time. What kind of father calls the police on his child in a situation like this?!?!?)
Every morning, before I drive her to school, I ask her “Did you pack an extra Pod and some insulin?” For some months now, her reply has been "I DID! I’M NOT AN IDIOT! STOP BOTHERING ME ABOUT MY DIABETES!!!. She refuses to let me assemble a small zippered pouch that I can check every evening to make sure it is re-stocked with her D supplies (like I used to). She yells at me when I encourage her to keep some extra Pods and a vial of insulin in her locker or in the Health Room at her high school like we used to. I try to talk to her. For the past year or so, these discussion always result in her dumping her anger and frustration on me, but worse, she ends up more upset than if I hadn’t attempted to talk with her in the first place.
I have to rearrange my packed schedule to attend my friend’s funeral on Saturday. I’m spent.
So sorry you’re going through this. All I can offer to you is the offer that I am always here if you ever want to talk, vent or just have a grown-up discussion with another adult who understands. PM me at any time, day or night, or, if you’d prefer, PM me and I can give you my phone number which you can call anytime.
Again, I wish I could do more to help you. I hate when anyone is having a rough time with an X…that really makes raising a child difficult. My X and I are still really good friends – we decided to stay friends because, whether or not we’re “in love” anymore, nothing changes the fact that we had a child together and we didn’t want to be the kind of parent as your x sounds like he is – talking badly about the other parent behind their back.
I’m always here if you want to talk! Here’s a big hug!
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. What a rough day! I’m sending thoughts of support your way. I wish there was something I could do to help. Please reach out if there is.
Sorry to hear about all that Rose. I was very rebellious as a teenager, I was fortunate to not become diabetic until well after that stage… I’m sure it’s tough.
Rose, I am SO SORRY to read this. I can’t imagine the grief of losing a close friend in such a tragic way, the ongoing unpleasantness with your X (what an ABSOLUTE, total jerk), and the daily struggles with your daughter.
Do you have anyone else who could be second level support with your daughter? It might be worth even paying someone (not very much needed) to be holding some insulin etc.?
Would you like to come rest with us for a few days? I know you are busy, but sometimes working on your psych index is more important than anything else. This place where we live is rural, far from everything, and enforces isolation from nefarious stimuli.
You know I am a phone call away. You have all your friends here and we love you.
Oh @rgcainmd, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this. I’ll refrain from sharing my thoughts on your ex as they’re extremely uncharitable.
And I can just imagine the frustration associated with your daughter’s relationship with diabetes care. She’s almost old enough to be in charge of stuff but obviously she’s not quite there yet, which really does mess with your day. And so scary to feel like there’s no way for her to get insulin.
When my dyslexic / ADD son was in High School he had issues galore with remembering meds and second doses. We left some with the school nurse and signed forms to allow her to administer the med, this may be an option for you.
Bless you Rose for the burden you carry. Parenting a child alone is stressful, parenting a child alone with diabetes has to be a heavy load. I wish you strength to deal with all you must.endure.
@rgcainmd I am a newer member here, but I second the thoughts already expressed. If there is any way to be of help or lend an ear I am available 24/7 for you.
Is there any other close proximity adult that you could leave supplies with for just such an emergency? Preferably one that your daughter has a good relationship with? Teacher, nurse, pastor, friend, neighbor?
I’m so sorry to hear about your recent 24 hours. I think being spent seems like the most logical response, and having safe place to vent to friends who care is helpful but probably not consolation enough. I’m so sorry.
I have lots of chipper, helpful advice I could dispense (leave the meds at school against her will since this isn’t the first time, don’t let the bastard get you down, take care of yourself and understand that everyone manages grief differently - maybe your daughter is also sad about the family friend and it came out via forgetting her insulin, and the anger probably isn’t about you actually), but instead I wish I could whisk you and your daughter away to a tropical island where you could both just get away from it all. One where cabana boys dispensed Pods and NovoLog when needed.
I also send hugs and good thoughts about getting through the weekend and coming years your way. I recommend the Kleenex with the lotion if you’re a cryer like me. They really are better. Xo.
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. Two years ago my best friend’s husband killed her and although he allegedly tried to kill himself, failed. I am still bothered by this and fear it will never lessen. I am way past the teen age kid phase of my life but remember the conflicts. I’m sure she is dealing with the internal struggle. I’m an adult. I’m a kid. She is trying to prove her independence to you and herself. Can you take her supplies to school and not mention it to her until she calls you in crisis. I know this is a trying time for both of you, but I assure you, if you continue to support her AND lead her, time will pass and the stress will become less. Bless you.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and other challenging times. It seems these things always happen simultaneously and make an already difficult situation even worse.
Sending virtual hugs and loving thoughts your way.
That all sounds so incredibly difficult, frustrating, and draining, not to mention just horrifying and shocking re: your friend’s daughter, I’m so sorry about your loss.
I remember being a teen with diabetes, and I don’t envy parents of them—it’s so challenging all around and makes normal teen rebellion so much more complicated and dangerous… I had a lot of strain about that and other things with my mother in those years, but we did eventually move past it and are closer now. I think getting therapy individually and some together really helped—I don’t know if there’s any family therapists in your area, but sometimes it’s way easier to have a third party moderating things and making suggestions (amazing how some teens will suddenly agree to things if their parent isn’t the one suggesting it…). I know that involves time and resources that may be in short supply, but could be really useful for both of you. Either way, I hope you get some breaks from all the stress soon!
All I can offer to you is the offer that I am always here if you ever want to talk, vent or just have a grown-up discussion with another adult who understands. PM me at any time, day or night, or, if you’d prefer, PM me and I can give you my phone number which you can call anytime.