That’s a big problem we have in todays world imo…people who SHOULD feel some level of shame, don’t. I think if someone has done something that rises to the level of needing to “feel ashamed of themselves” that they should own it. Taking responsibility for ones actions is very important when you enter the real world…and part of that is learning to live, cope with, and move on from, the shame that comes along with making bad decisions.
This is in no way consistent with my experience as a clinical psychologist, nor with the research on shame as a transdiagnostic predictor of psychopathology.
I appreciate what everyone is saying, and yes we are very aware of eating disorders. Thankfully my son doesn’t need or have to hide what he eats, just when he eats the cookies for the team dinner. He and his brother were just going to have one each, and in order to have a flat line he gave extra insulin (not because we spy on him, but because he desires that level of blood sugar control).
it was just serendipity that my wife and I were on a date, and after the movie we glanced at the Dexcom and saw a flat line and commented how good the night was going for my son. Then in the morning I find out that instead of choosing to eat the metric ass-ton of sugar we have lying around the house in the form of swedish fish, candy corn, and mike and ike, that he made the somewhat poor decision to eat all of his friends cookies.
The icing on the cake was bashing his somewhat innocent brother who feels like he gets the brunt of the “candy-thief” comments when my wife or I have to shop mid-week because a couple pounds of candy went missing. It was just too humorous, and something that non-D’s wouldn’t find as funny as you guys.
I could list a number of “groups and individuals” of in our country right now who should but don’t, experience shame for their actions. It’s called empathy - some people have it and others don’t. Without empathy, we can’t, or don’t, feel shame.
This is just my experience of living in many diverse groups and places around the world in my short 45 years, and being a people watcher and analyzer.
“Shame” has different definitions based on the situation…for instance, this phenomenon known as “slut-shaming” is WRONG, because it’s based on false narratives and conclusions that lead to the “shaming”. Nothing is true about the shame that is given.
Then there is the “shame” that people should feel, for instance, for killing 17 people in a high school, or for serial killers and the many other groups of people who should experience shame, but don’t.
So , imo, there are different levels of shame and while some groups don’t deserve any shame that they receive from others (most often no fault of their own) – such as Audrie Potts (who has Audrie’s law passed after she committed suicide), other people and groups SHOULD feel shame for their actions and viewpoints, but they don’t.
Yeah, I want to note, my comment wasn’t in response to your initial post (which was indeed pretty funny). It was specifically to the issue of whether a teen would need to actively hide taking insulin/use a pen for that instead of a pump to cover food, which to me was concerning and worth noting could cause problems.
Ok, sure, but we aren’t talking about any of those kinds of shame. We are talking here about shame over eating food a person “shouldn’t” eat, and I can tell you, the research is pretty clear on that not being good and a risk factor for disordered or unhealthy eating habits.
I was only responding to your general post about my comment that people lacking shame is a problem in our world today.
No arguments, but for what it is worth, my son carries an insulin vial and syringes and uses them when he is high and thinks the pump site isn’t working well, which allows him to bring down his blood sugar really fast and with 100% surety. So a pump wearing diabetic using a pen or vial insulin could be a sign of trouble or not.
It is all in the intent, which isn’t easy to figure out in teenagers.
Right, but again, very different function to that behavior. And not saying the other one is definitely a problem, just worth noting that if a teen feels the need to intentionally hide their dosing strategy, it may be a sign that the overall system and monitoring is due for some tweaking.
Perhaps off topic. But why does he use a syringe and vial rather than a pen?
We are not pen users so I am curious.
I agree with that totally. I don’t ever want Liam to have to hide his insulin dosing. But I also want him to grow up to be an honest man with integrity. So even though I don’t ever want him to experience shame from wanting a cookie, I also want him to learn to make the right decisions OR live with the consequences of the bad decisions (aka - life as an adult.)
aka - if something is “off limits” then it’s off-limits to all my kids, Diabetes or not. So if I say “no one touch the cookies” and any of my kids sneak them…there will be a problem.
Because Kaiser wouldn’t approve a prescription for pen’s while he was on a pump. He could have pens or a pump but not both.
Starting in January we got new insurance, and so he will be carrying a pen around when we run through vials as his backup. Although, as we found a pen vial and syringes are the smallest and easiest to carry around and use, so he may not go back to using a pen, because he can fit the pen vial and four syringes in a little pocket in his meter case.
I guess I got really lucky in this regard! We recently asked to switch from vials to pens (after the previous discussion we had here indicated you get more insulin with the pens), and we’re now getting pens that we’ll be using to fill our PODs.
I’ve never been an HMO fan, though! Is your new insurance PPO?
Sure, and again, a toddler and a young child is really different from a teen. I currently do clinical work with groups of pre-teens and teens, and in my pre-teen groups (9-12), I can set rules in a “this is how it is” way and it gets accepted easily, even if complained over, as a fact, and the power differential between me and them is very palpable and large, whereas with the teens (13+), it’s all much more complex, and I get by far the best results if I approach things collaboratively with the group.
I have to say I was prepared for the worst when we started with the HMO, it wasn’t great, but it was significantly cheaper every month when filling prescriptions and things.
Now we have the best of both worlds, my employer pays 100% of the health insurance and we get an awesome PPO. So the higher prescription payments each month are more than offset by paying nothing for the insurance.
I have a 24 year old, and I have a 15 year old as well as 12 and 10 year olds (non-diabetics)…they follow the rules that are laid down. Why? Because it’s the structure of the family - kids listen to their parents. This may be an issue in other homes, but not mine. The family structure is such that the parents are in charge…the fact that parents are no longer in charge speaks to larger problems. I have 7 children so I’m well aware of all age groups and problems inherent with each group.
The biggest problem I have with my 15 year old is that he doesn’t turn in his work like he should at school. We’re working with him on this (and have been for the past 5 years)…he’ll work hard to get it done, then forget to turn it in. He’s always been a straight A student, but this year he’s slipped to A/B and as much as we think that’s great - no complaints about him being an A/B student…we have problems with carelessness and just not being responsible. In a few years, mama and papa aren’t going to be there to bail him out, so we’re trying to get him prepared today for this college transition he’ll be taking in a few years.
And in case there’s the thought that I must “rule with an iron fist”, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I just have rules that must be followed as any home, and when they’re broken, there are ramifications, much like adulthood. Erin and I do our best to also lead by example also, so we never ask our kids to do anything we aren’t also doing ourselves. IMO, kids perform better and cause fewer problems for themselves and others if they have the kind of fostering care and love at home that they need - and part of that is holding them to task and making them understand that for every action there is an equal or greater reaction.
Might want to get an eval to rule out ADHD-Inattentive type if you haven’t, especially since he sounds motivated enough to work hard to get it done.
Sometimes though, kids just want to be sneaky. My older, non-D son went through a phase where he loved to sneak treats we put on the refrigerator high up. I think it was the adrenaline rush of the heist more than the food itself that motivated him – he usually wouldn’t finish his purloined goods, but just take one bite and leave the rest.
And sometimes what you eat is just embarrassing!
I’m not saying being sneaky or eating embarrassing foods is good but it’s not necessarily an indication of an eating disorder.
Once when I was 6, I ate a whole bunch of sugar mixed up with water and put into the microwave. I have no idea why; it was more like a desire to make a “potion” than anything else, and it was super gross. When my parents came home and saw the mess and the half-empty sugar jar on the counter i blamed it on the babysitter. I never really went on to have any kind of disorder – I just knew what I was doing was gross and a “no no” and didn’t want my parents to find out and go “yuck!”
Even now, I get a little sheepish if I eat something I consider gross, like cool ranch flavored Cheezits (regular Cheezits are fine and I eat them without shame) or jarred queso, I will fess up to it but I certainly don’t broadcast that I ate it. My husband will do the same when he eats flaming hot Cheetos.
All that to say I don’t think that sneaking food is always and 100 percent of the time a sign of disordered eating. Something to watch and be careful about in children, CERTAINLY. But it’s also a pretty normal behavior.
My youngest adopted brother was notorious for this… I could never make any sense of it. Would always do the work and never turn it in and got horrible grades constantly for it. All I could figure was he wanted to learn but didn’t want to be perceived as the stereotypical strait-A’s Asian kid…
We had this same problem, then finally when my son was a junior in high school he got his act together and turned in all the work he completed. Like magic. His sophomore year his mother had to do weekly homework checks, now this year all the checks have vanished…