for so long, i have wondered if i am alone in this predicament; so, i thought i would start a thread and ask if anyone understands what i feel, what they have done about it, and how they have achieved their success.
i have an obsession about being in very tight control over my BGs. so much so, that i have become uncomfortable, physically and mentally, trying new foods; particularly anything that doesn’t have a “carb label” attached to it. when i am presented with an opportunity to make an educated guess before i bolus, i go into panic mode. its not that i don’t want to eat more types of foods, because i very much do; its just that i become overwhelmed with being and remaining in control of my BGs and trying to make certain that they remain perfect. but this is a disease of unpredictability and the very best that we can do is manage and use experience and our best judgement to achieve success. places that bring out the worst in me: restaurants, parties, holiday meals, other people’s home meals. the list goes on.
i become so frightened about losing control, that i cannot enjoy myself or the wonderful food that i am actually eating. negative thoughts go around and around in my head throughout the meal. did i give myself enough insulin? did i take too much insulin? did i do a correct dual bolus? did i get the time split right? did i get the length of the square bolus right?
now, heres the thing: i love to eat. and, when i am at home, i can have a generally “perfect” amount of control over what i put in my mouth and how much i should bolus for. so, i have a tendency to stay homebound when it comes to food. but, i want to expand my horizons with great pleasure and less pain. i want to enjoy myself when i am at a party, not obsessing over the carbs and the insulin of the food that i may or may not put in my mouth. i don’t want to take a drink just to relax and chill out. i want to be as present as humanly possible.
i must admit that i feel foolish putting this silliness out there. i have written this thread down 5 to 6 different times, only to cancel it before posting it. but i believe that it is important and could be valuable, even if its only so for one other person dealing with this. so, SOS